I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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