ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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