Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
