I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
