well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
