The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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