Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
