Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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