i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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