we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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