I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
