please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
