My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
