his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
