just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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