I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My underwear smells like fireworks.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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