The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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