The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He passed out mid-signature
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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