If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
