were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
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Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
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Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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