after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
