Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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