You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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