sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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