Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
