I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
