Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
