my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
