Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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