I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
