He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
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