I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
