I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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