sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
