Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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