Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
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