youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
