I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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