Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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