Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
