Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
