you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
