Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
