Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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