how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
