I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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