my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
