just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
