I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
