tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
