I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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