Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
