I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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