she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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