Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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