What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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