i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize