My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
