dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
